TW: Mentions of deadnaming, transphobia, misgendering, and dysphoria.
It was a question that came out of nowhere in an otherwise normal workday. One moment, I’m checking a coworker’s assignment, and the next I’m ambushed by a question I don’t know how to answer.
“So…what’s your real name?”
I blink, taken aback, and I stutter out a flimsy, “W-what?”
My coworker shrugs, “What’s your female name? I heard your brother say it.”
I’m stunned, and I stare at him for a long moment, feeling like a fool as I flounder for an appropriate response. My head is racing with about thirty different emotions all clamoring together at once—embarrassment, pain, anger, panic. My heart has leapt into my throat, and I can feel a prickle of sweat rolling down my spine as my coworker watches me, waiting.
What I want to say? Well, that’s none of your business, and I don’t like to talk about it. Besides, I know for a fact that my brother didn’t say my deadname—I was there the whole time we were speaking. Why are you even asking? Does it matter? Why would you think I would be okay with a question like that? My real name is Connor. You know this.
What I do say? “Uh…It’s—it’s *****.”
Yep. I folded like a wet playing card. I told him, and for the rest of the day, I tortured myself for it. I replayed that conversation over and over in my head, agonizing over what I should’ve said, how I could’ve better advocated for myself. Why didn’t I just tell him no? I’m capable. I don’t have to give this information to anyone, especially when it causes me pain. I spent the next week vacillating between anger and sadness. I was upset that my coworker, someone I considered a friend (and a fellow member of the LGBTQ+ community), would ask something like that of me, especially knowing how painful my transition has been. I was angry that he’d lied about hearing my deadname, that he’d cornered me at work surrounded by other coworkers. And I was angry that I’d let him.
I didn’t speak with my coworker about the incident. It felt too small, too silly, beneath my own critical eye to be worthy of discussing. I meditated on it, let myself feel hurt and angry and all the bits in between, and I let it go.
However, his question got me thinking about the microaggressions transgender people undergo daily from those around them. For the purpose of this blogpost, I’m defining microaggressions as small, everyday interactions (often unintentionally perpetrated) that send a message of exclusion, misunderstanding, or injury to the transgender individual involved. I’ve been ruminating on them for a couple weeks now, cataloging in my thoughts and memories the little things that add up to big hurts. I thought I’d share them in a helpful list, followed by more positive ways to express curiosity or support towards transgender people.
This list will be most useful to cisgender people (i.e. not transgender, gender-queer, non-binary, genderfluid, etc.) Yes, I’m looking at you—the straight, cisgender guy with no knowledge of the queer community. Yes, you—the lesbian with a trans friend. Yes, you—the pansexual elder with a trans son. Yes, you—the person with a transgender partner. If you’re cisgender, this list might benefit you, and consequently the transgender people you encounter!
PLEASE DON’T
1. Ask us for our “real” names.
The transgender community has an intimate tie with naming ourselves, and the topic can be very sensitive for many of us, especially if our deadname causes us dysphoria. Asking for this name is not only invasive, it’s unnecessary, and can feel very invalidating and uncomfortable for the trans person. Please, before you ask a trans person for their deadname, consider why you’re asking in the first place. Most often it’s curiosity, and if that’s the case for you, please stow that feeling and move on. Trans people have much more to offer than a history of our social transition, and unless someone offers it to you directly, it’s best to avoid asking this.
2. Throw an apology party for yourself.
So, you slipped up and you misgendered a transgender person. Maybe they didn’t call you on it, maybe they did. Either way, it happened, and you feel bad. You might even feel embarrassed! Please, please…do not start apologizing profusely and raking yourself over the coals for it. Chances are, if you do this, the transgender person will be forced to comfort you and make you feel better about making a mistake, and that’s just not right. If you mess up, correct yourself, say sorry briefly, and move on. It’s alright! Mistakes happen, but please don’t wallow in them and force the person you insulted to help you out of it. It’s embarrassing enough being misgendered, but being inadvertently guilt-tripped by the person who did it (however well-meaning) is downright terrible.
3. Make sexual jokes about us.
There are few things more uncomfortable than being sexualized by people around you for your gender identity. I’ve had this happen, multiple times, at work of all places. What often starts out as ribbing on coworkers’ parts, turns into them making jokes about my body that are inappropriate in any scenario. Case in point—I had a female coworker joke about “copping a feel” after I have my top surgery next year. Another coworker joked about being able to hit on me now that I had come out. Please don’t do this. It’s uncomfortable, it’s inappropriate, and it’s just rude. You might see these jokes as light fun, but they just contribute to the objectification and fetishization of transgender people already prevalent in society.
4. Ask what parts we have “down there”.
Y’all. In what world is this an okay question to ask of anyone? A good rule of thumb for most things—if you wouldn’t ask a cisgender person, please don’t ask a transgender person. This type of question is invasive, inappropriate, and very triggering for people suffering with dysphoria. I know you’re curious. I know transgender bodies are interesting and different, but truth be told? It’s none of your business. Your curiosity does not usurp my right to respect for my body and boundaries.
5. Deadname and/or misgender us.
This point feels a little bit like it should be assumed, but you’d be surprised how many people are alright with deadnaming and misgendering transgender folks in their lives without so much as batting an eye. So, to put it concisely, don’t deadname or misgender someone. If they change their name twenty times, respect it. If they change their pronouns twenty times, respect them. If you “just can’t see them as so and so”, respect them enough to get uncomfortable and see them a new way. When a trans person chooses a name and pronouns, it is not to personally inconvenience you. In fact, it isn’t about you. So please, respect our pronouns and names. If you do slip up, see item #2.
6. Tell us you feel like someone has died.
Folks, I know you’re struggling. Someone you love or know has just come out as trans and you feel like the world has tipped on its ear without notice. You’re shocked. You’re upset. You don’t know what to think. I am here to tell you that the world is not going to explode. The sun will rise, the tides will change, and donuts will still be awesome, even with this trans individual now living openly. Nobody has died, but I know you are grieving. Trust me, I know. But please, I beg of you, do not tell your transgender friend or family member that. Chances are, they already know that their transition is difficult for you—they probably feel guilty about it! But I can guarantee that telling them you are “grieving”, that you feel like someone has died, is an intensely painful experience for them. Spare them that; they’re already going through so much as it is. If you need to talk through that grief (and please do!), find someone else to speak with.
7. String together a list of “but…”
Yes, we know we used to wear dresses. Yes, we know we used to have a beard, or like princesses, or go fishing, etc. etc. However, activities, likes/dislikes, and appearances have no bearing on whether a person is transgender or not. Bringing up a trans person’s past can be invalidating, isolating, and often very triggering. Years before transition are often ones fraught with closeted behavior, so it’s best to keep your doubts to yourself. I promise you, the transgender person knows more about themselves and who they are, than you do.
8. Humiliate us in a restroom.
The amount of times I’ve been given dirty looks for going to the restroom (in either restroom, mind you) is appalling. Every public restroom I enter, I’m immediately swamped with fears of being attacked, reported, or confronted by others for my gender identity. If a person you suspect is transgender comes into your bathroom and wants to pee, for the love of God, let them pee. Mind your own business and let them get on with theirs. I promise you transgender people are not trying to make you uncomfortable by going to the bathroom. We just want to go in peace.
9. Think you are above being transphobic.
I can tell you that the second highest perpetrator of transphobia in my experience is people within the LGBTQ+ community, and when confronted with it, they will swear up and down that they are not transphobic. If you are called out for saying something problematic, please take a moment to sit with that knee-jerk defensiveness and ask why you feel that way. Really get comfortable with that feeling, because you’ve probably done something transphobic. The reality is, we are raised in a society that conditions most of us with some level of internalized transphobia. Accept that you probably have some buried in you somewhere, find it, and then kill it.
10. Comment on how well someone is “passing”.
Most trans people are very conscious of their appearance, especially if it doesn’t align with their gender identity. Please don’t make snide remarks if someone isn’t “passing”. Also, avoid remarking on a trans person’s physical attributes that don’t align with your idea of their gender identity (height, weight, face shape, hair, bone structure, etc.). These are good things to avoid even when not speaking to the trans person directly, but instead about them privately. Your private conversations about that trans individual have public consequences. Think about your words carefully.
PLEASE DO
1. Congratulate us when we come out!
Coming out is really f**king scary and it usually comes after years spent in the closet, being forced into roles and identities that just don’t fit us. When someone you know comes out as transgender, congratulate them! They’ve done something incredibly brave by choosing to be themselves, and that’s something to celebrate. For instance, when I came out to my boss, she jumped up from her seat, ran across the room, and gave me a hug. Hearing “congratulations” from her instead of ridicule, anger, or disgust was one of the most liberating and beautiful things I’ve yet experienced in my transition. Give the gift of excitement to a trans person!
2. Ask us our pronouns.
Looks can be deceiving, and with GNC folks or transgender people, it can be difficult to pinpoint whether to use female, male, or gender-neutral pronouns on first acquaintance. I would urge that if you’re not certain, use the gender neutral they/them, and when you have a moment of privacy with that person, ask them, “I want to be respectful of your identity. What are your preferred pronouns?” I know it feels weird, but asking is so much better than consistently misgendering someone on accident and then having to apologize later.
3. Compliment us!
I mentioned earlier that making sexual remarks about a transgender person’s body is inappropriate, and that still stands. However, if you’re wanting to pay a trans person a compliment, you can do that the same way you would a cisgender person. Complimenting someone’s clothes, personality, or skills are excellent ways to show how much you love or appreciate your trans friend. Avoid saying that someone looks very “femme” or “manly” unless you’ve known them for an extended period, and you know that they are trying to present as one of these. Otherwise, ungendered compliments are appreciated!
4. Ask for help.
I’ve had several people at work come up to me and ask how they can do better when interacting with transgender people, and honestly, I love it! Some trans folks may be unwilling or unable emotionally to assist you in learning about the trans community, but by and far, most trans people are more than happy to educate and offer pointers to people looking to genuinely learn. If you’ve left your prejudice at the door and you want to know how to be a good advocate and ally to trans people, just ask. Most often, we’d love to help you understand.
5. Stand up for us.
If you hear someone misgender or deadname a transgender person behind their back, or witness any signs of microaggressions being perpetrated, please say something. Transgender people are not magical social justice warriors. Many of us try, but we’re tired and we can’t be everywhere at once to correct all the things. If someone says something bigoted or prejudiced, say something or report to someone who can.
6. Offer what support you can.
Transition is hard, no matter how that looks for the individual trans person. It’s a time of exciting, but stressful changes. It can be financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing. Whatever support you can offer as an outside person is invaluable. Can you offer a trans person a supportive text saying you see them and appreciate them? Do that. Can you donate to their fundraiser to raise money for confirmation surgery? Do that. Can you advocate for them at your workplace to get unisex bathrooms installed? Do that. Can you go vote for candidates who support transgender people? Cook them a meal? Offer them a couch to crash on? Take them shopping? Give them a hug? Raise awareness? Do that.
7. Stay invested.
With transition comes a lot of different things happening all at once, and as I mentioned before, they can be taxing. But they can also be exciting! So, if you’ve heard your trans friend mention an upcoming name change or surgery or appointment, ask about it. Of course, do it tactfully (you got this!) but chances are, your trans friend has some exciting news to share. It’s important to keep in mind that your trans friend might not have something exciting they want to talk about, but something difficult too. Be there for that stuff as well. Listen more than you speak.
8. Believe us.
When transgender people tell you something, believe us. Whether it’s the fact that we are trans in and of itself, or something else trans-related, your belief in it is essential. Trans people spend a lot of time defending their right to exist to the world, so even just hearing one, “I believe you,” can be so powerfully affirming. It’s alright to not understand fully, but what’s essential is that you trust that your trans friend knows better than you about themselves and their experiences.
9. Recognize that you will make mistakes.
It’s alright to make mistakes. It happens to the best of us. If you get caught in the wrong—maybe you asked something insensitive, made a transphobic joke unthinkingly, or misgendered someone—own up to it. Apologize and move on. Do the work to make sure it doesn’t happen again, educate yourself, listen to your trans siblings, but don’t beat yourself up over it too long. There’s always the chance to do better tomorrow.
10. Treat us like regular human beings.
At the end of the day, transgender people are just people. We have hopes, desires, and dreams like everyone else. We want to live in an identity that is comfortable to us, yes, but that isn’t so different from cisgender people. Treat us like you would any other person—with kindness, respect, and sensitivity—and you’re golden!
*It’s important for me to note that what I am not okay with, another transgender person might be fine with, and vice versa. These are just guidelines I have found to be generally helpful in being a respectful, sensitive, and loving person towards your transgender counterparts!
*Also, here’s a few short definitions of words you may not know
GNC: (gender non-conforming) someone not adhering to traditional gender roles, behaviors, appearances, etc.
Passing: a somewhat problematic term transgender people use to describe when they physically appear to align with the cisgender counterparts within their gender identity. (ex. I am a transman, and if I am gendered properly, I am “passing”)
Transphobia: prejudice and/or dislike towards transgender people (includes non-binary, genderfluid, genderqueer, etc.)
Deadname: a transgender person’s birthname, usually aligning with their sex assigned at birth.
Cisgender: an individual whose sex assigned at birth aligns with their gender identity.
Confirmation Surgeries: surgeries some transgender people seek to align their physical bodies with their gender identity.
LGBTQ+: a community of sexual orientations and gender identities outside heterosexual and cisgender.
Misgendering: referring to an individual by the improper pronouns. (ex. Calling a transwoman a “he”)
Deadnaming: referring to an individual by their deadname.
Dysphoria: discomfort and pain stemming from a gender identity that does not align with the individual’s sex assigned at birth.
Femme: a manner of presenting in which the individual prefers traditionally “feminine” things.
Fetishization: a sexual fascination with something not sexual (in this case, transgender people).
